25 Ways of Killing Joffrey Baratheon
by Black Jellyfish
Summary: One way to kill the dreaded tyrant for every episode he appears in. No other explanation required.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Winter is Coming

The blonde abomination known as Joffrey Baratheon rides his ignoble brown steed, his bodyguard the Hound right behind him. He permits himself a glance to the side, catching eyes with that sweet redheaded Stark girl, Sansa.

A fine bitch, she is. Joffrey thinks. I see her looking at me. I would love to...His mental process is interrupted by a flash of light that blinds everyone in the immediate area. When the flash dissipates, they stare in shock at the giant metal sphere that has landed in the ground.

A door in the sphere opens, and out steps a man. He is only about five feet tall, but he wears a black trench coat two sizes too big for his body. He is bespectacled and in serious need of a shave. Atop his head rests a pink-and-blue top hat, upon which is the inscription "Exterminator."

He takes a quick look behind him before saying, "Great Scott! My Interdimensional Ripping Sphere is functional after all. And now…" He looks forward at the bratty Baratheon boy, "It's showtime!"

He swiftly opens his trench coat to reveal something hanging from his shoulder; a mysterious silver weapon known to him as the as the N'cut Burner. He lifts it up with both hands and pulls the trigger.

A beam of pure pink energy emits from the weapon, and the entire top half of the dreaded Joffrey is vaporized within a second.

Everyone shrieks in fear for a moment before Sansa yells, "WHO ARE YOU?"

At this, the strange man lowers his Burner and stares gravely at the naive daughter of Ned Stark.

"I have been born as Bill Nelson," he replies. "But you may refer to me as Ser D*ckslayer."

Thanks for reading. I am open to criticism and even more open to suggestions.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Kingsroad

Joffrey grows steadily more excited as his sword draws blood from the cheek of the unfortunate butcher's boy. He can practically feel himself getting an erection.

All of a sudden, the mighty young girl swings her stick into Joffrey's backside, ignoring her sister Sansa's cry of "Arya!"

Enraged, the false Baratheon swings his sword at the sister of his "Lady." First the trio of slaps from his dwarf uncle, now this! "Filthy little bitch!" He weakly snarls.

Sansa flounders in the background. "Stop it, stop it both of you! You're spoiling it! You're spoiling everything!" Her voice sounds more whiny than she intended.

Arya trips and falls, allowing Joffrey to point his sword at her and declare, "I'll gut you, YOU LITTLE C*NT!" His rage turns to abrupt fear and pain as the wondrous direwolf Nymeria leaps toward him, catching his sword arm in her teeth.

Joffrey yelps, drops his sword, and falls on his ass before Nymeria relinquishes his arm so as to move onto a brand new target: his neck.

Sansa screams flails her arms as Arya struggle to get up. Meanwhile, Joffrey is forced to part ways with the blood in his jugular vein and his carotid artery.

By the time Nymeria lets up, the Prince's body no longer bears the fragrance of life, but the stench of blood and urine.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Lord Snow

Joffrey gets up from his seat. His arm still stings like a b*tch thanks to the missing direwolf, and his pride is still hurting from his "father's" question of "You let a little girl disarm you.

He had even almost tripped on a rag on the floor when he was going to sit at the table. Fate has certainly not been on his side as of late. At least that butcher's boy has been hacked to pieces.

He continues to listen and respond to Cersei's advice. He abruptly gets up once she suggests that he do do something "nice for the Stark girl."

Why should he?! he thinks. But before he can say that the Northerners have too much power, he slips on the rag on the floor. He falls to the ground, smashing his head against the smooth floor.

After a few days of screaming and praying in his room, Cersei could only watch the healer fail and her son succumb to infection and brain loss. She would never know how much he hated the wailing of women.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things

Joffrey continued to simmer as he walks down the hallway to his room. His arm still hurts, and he lacks his legitimate father King Robert's approval. He almost throws his glass cup out of the large, open window outside his room, but relents.

Once inside his room, he takes a deep breath. His father's tourney is tomorrow. He must calm down. He grabs a large container of strong wine on his drawer and fills the cup. Gulps it down in one go.

After a while, the edge is taken off, but Joffrey continues to mentally curse the rotten luck he has had for the past while. He pours another cup before downing it. He pours another cup.

Joffrey feels positively giggly now. He can even hear himself chuckling. As he tries to lift his seventh cup, his fingers slip and the cup is broken to pieces upon the floor.

Still, chuckling, he shoves the door open, his vision blurry and his mind slowed. He does not even gasp or scream when he stumbles too far to the right and falls out of the open window.

By the time the sweet Prince's putrid body is located, it is too late: the crows and other beasts have already set to work on his carcass.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The Wolf and the Lion

Joffrey watches as his bodyguard, the Hound, fight his own brother to protect Ser Loras. Their enormous swords clash as they grunt in the heat of battle.

If he could, Joffrey would be jumping and hooting at the sight of such a match. Alas, he must keep up appearances. He retains a blank look on his face as he impatiently waits for the blood to spill. He even trembles.

Suddenly, the Mountain parries one of the Hound's blows and sharply twirls his sword, sending his brother's sword flying through the air and above the heads of the people.

Before the Mountain can land the final blow, a loud shriek erupts from the crowd. Each combatant looks to the side to see that the Hound's sword has pierced the neck of the Prince.

The sword slowly falls out of the boy's throat along with a river of blood. A few seconds later, Joffrey falls down as a corpse.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: A Golden Crown

Joffrey almost smirks as he lock lips with Sansa. What a gullible, naive bitch this girl is. He only apologized to satisfy his mother, anyway!

As they finish their kiss, Sansa abruptly finds herself speaking out. "Can you apologize to my sister, too?" Despite their sisterly rivalry, Sansa feels concern for Arya's missing direwolf and the death her friend, even if the Hound was responsible for the latter…

Joffrey impulsively snarls. Memories flood his brain, especially the sight of his mangled and bleeding arm. He impulsively slaps Sansa, eliciting a shriek. She makes a short dash to the balcony as the sweet Princes advances on her.

He makes a lunge, but Sansa dodges. Joffrey's lower half hits the balcony a split second before his entire body falls off the edge.

His scream is cut short as he hits the lower roof before rolling off another edge. It is a longer fall, and his spine breaks in twain as the force of the fall breaks some of the tiles. He rolls off the roof once more, and his head cracks against a stone on the ground.

A solitary tile falls from the roof and smashes on poor Joffre's corpse.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: You Win or You Die

Joffrey, son of Cersei and Jaime Lannister, sits at Robert Baratheon's deathbed distraught. The old and dying king is still holding the boy's hand, even as he suffers from the wounds inflicted by the boar.

"I should have spent more time with you," says Robert. "Shown you how to be a man…" He is interrupted by the door crashing open. Another boar has come, having followed Robert's stench into the pavilion.

It lunges at Joffrey, crushing him under it's weight, before chewing his face and neck. Joffrey's creams get lower and lower in their pitch as he fades from life.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: The Pointy End

Seated on the Iron Throne, King Joffrey looks on with his mother as Ser Barristan Selmy finishes removing part of his armor, Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish cannot help but quip "A naked knight, apparently." The other onlookers in the room laugh as Barristan's blood boils.

The old knight abruptly draws his sword, and the other five members of the Kingsguard follow suit. How could this happen?! How could a knight as faithful and capable as Barristan receive such mockery and disgrace after so many years of service?! "Even now," Barristan growls, "I could cut through the five of you like carving a cake!"

One of the men does not get the message. He rushes forward and swings his sword, only for Barristan to parry and stab him through the throat. The crowd gasps in horror as Joffrey yells, "KILL HIM!"

The other four members of the Kingsguard rush at their former comrade. There is no turning back. Barristan skillfully dodges and parries each of their blows. Each enemy is down within a few moments, blood erupting from their necks.

Barristan struggles to remove his sword from the throat of the last man, but alas, it is stuck. He charges the Iron Throne empty-handed as Joffrey and the "Queen" shriek. Some members of the crowd try to stop him, but he throws them aside. Barristan closes the distance before he quickly grabs the boy king and lifts him above ground before throwing him into the air.

Joffrey directly lands on the Iron Throne, and some of the swords that make up the royal chair pierce right through his torso. As Joffrey wiggles upon the blades, his sweet red blood adds color to the gloomy throne. The crown has fallen off his head. Soon, the King is no more.

Barristan does not even mind when a blade pierces into the back of his own neck and comes out through the throat. At least the usurper is dead, and at least he has died as a knight.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Baelor

"Ser Ilyn!" yells King Joffrey, "Bring me his head!" Ned Stark is on his knees. Ser Ilyn has the sword Ice. The throngs of peasants are below, screaming for justice to be served.

Nothing can make Joffrey pass up this chance. Not the wails of Sansa, and certainly not the protests of his mother, Cersei. Images of Stark's severed head, blood spilling all over the floor, is simply irresistible to Joffrey.

Suddenly, Cersei latches onto her son's arms. How could he be so stupid?! The family cannot afford to have a civil war on its' hands.

Joffrey stares angrily at Cersei before grabbing her in kind and trying to push her. She struggles back. She eventually breaks the stalemate by giving the boy king an especially hard shove. Too hard.

Joffrey hits the ground and tumbles down the stone steps to the lower part of the platform. His body collides with Ned Stark and moves him aside. Ser Ilyn cannot stop the momentum of such a heavy sword as Ice.

Before anyone can realize what happened, the blade of the execution sword splits Joffrey in two. Ned Stark is still gasping and lying next to the upper half of the dreaded bastard son.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Fire and Blood

As King Joffrey looks up at the severed heads of Ned Stark on the pike, Sansa looks down. She has no way of estimating how long the fall would be below the walkway. She looks at Joffrey again. He is still looking up, practically shivering with delight at the result of what he had ordered Ser Ilyn Payne to do.

Her father has been disgraced and killed. Her brother has been declared a traitor. Blood still drips down her mouth from the cruel hand of Ser Meryn Trant. She knows what she has to do.

She does not walk, but rushes forward. She roughly puts her hand's on the bastard son's back and pushes hard. She has put in more force than she had intended, however, and both she and her betrothed fall off the walkway.

Both of them are screaming, though Joffrey's is higher-pitched and more frantic than Sansa's. The latter is swinging her hands, and her right one manages to connect to something hard and solid. A window sill. She grasps it hard, suspending herself in the air.

Alas, fate does not grant Joffrey such a handhold. He continues to fall until he hits the ground. His body is practically disintegrated by the impact. This part of the ground will likely stink of putrid bastard blood for weeks on end.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: The North Remembers

"You can't!" Sansa looks on in horror as wine is poured down the throat of Ser Dontos. Her fiancee, King Joffrey, looks at her with boiling blood. He has a low voice now, "What did you say? Did you say I can't?!"

Sansa pauses for a moment before she thinks of a way to get out of this situation. She says, "I only meant...It would be bad luck to kill a man on your Name Day." Joffrey sneers and retorts, "What kind of stupid peasant superstition…"

"The girl is right," says the Hound. Before he can continue speaking and supporting Sansa's position, Joffrey gets up in a rage. How dare his dog defy him! How dare Sansa defy him! How dare the peasant folk continue babbling such superstition after all the crossbow bolts he fires at them from his window each day!

He takes a brief moment to size up the Hound, who not only stands more than twice as high as him, but is also equipped with armor and a sword. No matter! Bare fists shall prevail!

The noble King lunges at the Hound, who instinctively shoves him back. The boy lands on the ground, smashing his head against the stone floor. Everyone, including Sansa and the Hound, gasps.

As his tormentors gape in unison with everyone else, Ser Dontos sees his chance. He will likely die whether by the wine today or by men tomorrow. What more does he have to lose?!

Tearing his way out of the executioner's grasp, Ser Dontos rushes ahead with his steel-covered staff. Reaching the King's prone form. He swings his weapon down once, then twice, then thrice in rapid succession.

The King's head has been reduced to a dark stain on the floor and pieces of white skull.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Garden of Bones

Much to the delight of King Joffrey, the terrified prostitute Daisy has taken a good whipping from her equally terrified colleague Ros. Still, this is not enough. This occasion has to spiced up, or it will not be a proper Name Day.

He goes to a small table and picks up a stag-headed mace from it. He examines it, turning it in his hands. Nice heft. It will do. With an evil smile, he extends the weapon to Ros, who reluctantly accepts it.

Ros can only get out a single "Your Grace…" before the depraved royal sits in his chair and proceeds to load his ornate crossbow. She continues, "Too much pain will spoil the pleasure." Joffrey does not listen and finishes preparing his weapon. Daisy fearfully blurts out, "Your Grace!"

Ros looks back at the King. She really does not want to torture Daisy. "Your Grace," she begins tentatively, "If your uncle finds out…"

"Oh, I want him to find out," Joffrey points his crossbow at Ros, "You will bring her to his chambers when you're finished, and show him what you've done." He can see that Ros is hesitating. "Or the same thing will happen to you." He says simply. He is deeply anxious to hear some more cries of pain.

Ros can see now that Joffrey is a monstrosity above that of even Littlefinger. Even if she does his bidding, he will likely kill her with that crossbow. He killed Ned Stark after he confessed to treason, after all.

With a loud cry, she tosses the mace at Joffrey, who narrowly dodges. As Ros runs to close the distance, Joffrey fires his crossbow, and the bolt sinks into her thigh.

Both Ros and Daisy cry out, but the former manages to yank out the bolt. She lunges at the terrified King and slams the bolt into his neck. She withdraws and thrusts again and again and again.

Joffrey falls on his back, and his gurgling soon ceases.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: The Old Gods and the New

Joffrey is becoming steadily more annoyed by the pleas made by the smallfolk for food and their constant use of "Your Grace." He did not have time for this! Suddenly, a warm and wet object collides with his cheek: a cow pie.

With a moan, Joffrey stumbles a bit as his men draw their swords. "Who threw that?!" he demands. "The man who threw that? Find who did that AND BRING HIM TO ME!" He cannot control his rage anymore.

Joffrey suddenly sees the members of the crowd fighting his men and he impulsively shouts, "Kill them! KILL THEM ALL!" A riot breaks out as the words leave the King's mouth. Barely anyone can hear anything over the shouts that fill the air. The smallfolk have found the excuse to fight and struggle against the guards openly.

Joffrey feels a twinge of embarrassment. Why should his knights do all the work? He cannot just stand there with cow dung on his face. He has to make an example of these people!

He rushes at the crowd bare-handed, eager for blood. But within moments, he is grabbed by several smallfolk. Another few moments, and King Joffrey has been ripped limb from limb by the crowd, a knife stuck in his neck for good measure.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: The Prince of Winterfell

"They say Stannis never smiles," King Joffrey says with a distinct tone of petulance. Facing both Tyrion and Varys, he unsheathes his sword by an inch or so. "I'll given him a red smile. From ear to ear."

Joffrey then stops to think about what he is doing. Merely unsheathing his sword a bit does not show off enough bravado. He yanks it out all the way and thrusts forward, making Tyrion and Varys flinch a bit. He swings to his left, then to his right. He can feel his blood flowing and energy filling his body. This feels good. But for Joffrey, this is not enough.

Switching to a reverse grip, Joffrey slams his sword down. He intends to thrust his noble weapon into the stone ground and pose.

Alas, he ends up slamming his sword through his boot and into his foot. Once he registers the pain, Joffrey screams at the top of his lungs, filling the air with the sound of his despair. Tyrion takes a half-step forward, but is too late to save the King from his own stupidity.

Joffrey impulsively grabs the hilt of the sword and yanks it out. He can feel the blood filling his boot and continues screaming. He tries to move, but his wounded foot causes him to misstep. He teeters to the side, smashing his head open against the stone balcony.

Tyrion and Varys gape at the sight of the brain matter and blood leaking out of Joffrey's head before calming down. The city was better off without him anyway; surely this blunder was the work of the gods.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Blackwater

_Version 1_:

It is just as Tyrion Lannister has expected. A single solitary ship has been sent forth to meet the fleet of Stannis. What he does not know is that, eager for glory, King Joffrey had placed himself on the ship with around a hundred men early on.

Unknowing of the location of his employer's dear nephew, Bronn fires the flaming arrow as per his orders. It is not long before the solitary ship implodes with Wildfire, along with the ships of the enemy.

Even though he had placed himself in the very back of the ship, Joffrey has not been spared. He falls into the water, screaming and burning in green flames. He flails through the waves, his his screams are louder than any of the ones produced by his men or Stannis'.

Even when he sinks below the surface due to his lack of knowledge of swimming, the Wildfire will not go out. Joffrey goes lower and lower, bubbles erupting from his mouth in lieu of screams.

No one can be quite sure how long it took for the good King to die. Perhaps a few minutes, perhaps a few hours.

_Version 2:_

"Fuck the Kingsguard," the Hound growls. "Fuck the city, fuck the king." Joffrey's surprise is quickly replaced by rage. How dare this dog disobey him and refuse to fight! He swiftly draws his sword Hearteater, which has not drawn a single drop of blood up till now. He shall punish this traitor himself!

He jumps off the stairs and rushes directly at the Hound with his weapon. The Hound sighs for a moment before tossing his wine bottle into the bastard King's face. As Joffrey whimpers and holds his lightly wounded face, the Hound pulls his sword and cuts him down.

Looking directly at Tyrion, the Hound growls, "I said, 'fuck the king.'"

_Version 3_:

The soldiers watch in horror as their King begins to desert the battle, leaving Tyrion, Ser Blount, and Ser Moore behind. How could this get any worse? Stannis' men are at the gates and will overtake the city. They have lost too many men beforehand. The King is fleeing for his life! How could this get any worse?

As Joffrey tries to walk through the soldiers, one of them grabs him by the shoulders. With a chorus of yells, the entire crowd of men descends upon the King as he screams. WIthin moments, he has suffered slashes, stabs, and bludgeoning wounds all over his body. A few more moments, and Tyrion can see his nephew's corpse.

If this is not the most grisly thing he has ever seen in his life, he may never know otherwise.

(Author's Notes: Why are there three different versions of Joffrey Baratheon's death? Because one death in a battle scene is not enough for him!)


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Valar Morghulis

It is settled. King Joffrey will annul his future marriage to Sansa Stark in favor of Margaery Tyrell. Even with his slow mind and faulty judgement, Joffrey can accept the logic of his mother Cersei and the elderly Pycelle. Margaery is preferable to a girl from an untrustworthy family.

"The Gods are good," the bastard Lannister proclaims, "I'm free to heed my heart." He takes a step forward. "Ser Loras, I will gladly wed your sweet…" He abruptly trips on his shoulder cape and falls.

The young King can only let out a short, high-pitched yelp before he lands headfirst onto one of the small steps that lead to the Iron Throne. His forehead opens upon the sharp angle of this step. As the crowd gasps, Sansa smirks from her place on the balcony.

Later on, Cersei finishes putting the rest of the porridge into her son's open mouth. He has been bedridden for a week and has shown no sign of regaining consciousness. After completing yet another prayer, she leaves the royal chambers.

After Cersei has been gone for a few moments, the boy begins to gurgle, for the porridge has come back up. It is not long before Joffrey Baratheon chokes to death.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Valar Dohaeris

King Joffrey sits in his litter, still bewildered over his new fiancees's idea of spending time with those children. Why would she prostrate herself in front of such scum. That is something he would never do!

Joffrey confirms that the wooden boars are in place. In his infinite wisdom, he had ordered that the this litter be custom made to a accommodate a new feature; wooden boards that would cover every opining in the litter and be secured from the outside. Joffrey congratulates himself again for finding a way to avoid being seen by the small folk. He bass learned from the riot, so he thinks.

But after a few minutes, Joffrey begins to feel unbearably hot. Perhaps he should open the boards. But the small folk would see him that way! The King sits for a while longer. Sweat streams down his face and torso.

He finally tries to push against the boards, only to remember that they had been locked from the outside. He tries to give an order to his porters, but his mouth is completely dry and avoid of saliva. Not a word can get past his lips.

Joffrey begins to thrash in the litter, but the porters dare not open the litter. The boy would have their heads if they opened the litter before he gave the order.

Once the procession reaches the castle, the litter is unlocked and opened. Inside it lies King Joffrey, dead of overheating.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Dark Wings, Dark Words.

King Joffrey is pleased by the enthusiasm in Margaery's voice as she accepts his offer to hold the crossbow. He is happy that she is as into killing as he is, and he is eager to teach his new woman a thing or two. Perhaps she will one day become good enough to shoot the boar head's eye socket like he did.

There is something that Joffrey has not taken into consideration, however. Despite his talent in aiming the crossbow, he has never observed safety discipline with such a weapon. Thus, he offers it in such a way that Margaery is free to grasp the stock, while the delivering end, equipped with a bolt, is in his own direction.

As Margaery grasps the stock, her fingers push the trigger ever so lightly. The bowstring slips, and the bolt is fired into Joffrey's stomach. He howls in pain as Margaery clasps her hands over her mouth and takes a couple steps back. Joffrey's legs fail him, and he collapses to he floor. Because he lands face down, the bolt is pushed all the way through his stomach. Blood seeps through the wound, staining the floor.

Joffrey cries out as he roughly yanks the bolt out of his body. However, this action results in even more blood flowing out of his body; the bolt could have served as a handy plug had it been left in.

The King rolls on the ground for a little bit before dying at the feet of his horrified bride-to-be.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: And Now His Watch is Ended

King Joffrey stands at the stop of the stone staircase with his betrothed Margaery and two guards armed with spears. A few more guards are stationed at the bottom of the stairs, in front to crowd, the members of which are cheering for their King and especially for their soon-to-be queen.

Unbeknownst to Joffrey, someone devious has joined the crowd; an acquaintance of his that he has never even seen before. The man has blotchy red hair and a short stature, but has exceptionally strong arms. He is seething in rage in the memory of Joffrey's actions in the last riot, and he is holding something in his right hand.

The man reaches the front of the crowd, seething at the happiness of the smallfolk around him. The King is some distance away, but this is no problem. The man swings his right arm forward. Joffrey yelps and takes a step back as a cow pie solidly connects with his cheek.

The boy's blood boils as he yells out, "WHO DARES TO ASSAULT THE KING?!" When no one steps forward to confess his crime, Joffrey runs down the stairs, past his men, and directly into the crowd. Margaery's protests are futile.

Joffrey looks from face to face as he runs, but no one demonstrates any emotion other than terror. The blade of a knife suddenly pierces into the boy's throat and withdraws. Joffrey falls down in a heap.

The newest kingslayer was never discovered or punished.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: The Climb

Ros sits on the bed of King Joffrey, her arms tied to a railing above said her head. She knows that Littlefinger has discovered her connection and service to Varys. For all intents and purposes, she has been sentenced to die at the hands of the boy who forced her to torture her coworker.

She looks up at the leather strap binding her hands to the railing. Could they be loosened? She pulls as hard as she can, but the straps remain secure. She sits up and quickly jumps into a squatting position, but she merely feels an intense pain in her arms.

Ros is at a loss. She can't reach the strap with her teeth, and she certainly can't cut it with her finger nails. A few moments pass. Then Ros gets a new idea; jump off the bed to try to loosen the strap. Could it work? The prostitute's eyes land on the crossbow laid across Joffrey's table. It would have to work.

Ros stands up at gets into a standing position before jumping down. She just flops in the air before hitting her legs against the bed. Ros tries the jump again, and then a third time.

As Ros stands on the bed for another attempt, the knob of the chamber door suddenly turns. Adrenaline rushes through Ros' body as she pulls on the wooden railing with all her might. She lets out a soft cry as desperate tears form in her eyes.

The vile Joffrey enters the room with a smug and sadistic smile, which widens upon seeing the struggling Ros. He finally has a chance at killing someone with his own hands, he he certainly will not let it past. He closes the door and locks it behind him.

As he turns to face his victim once more, the King's eyes bulge out as she gives a final mighty pull, breaking the railing with a sawdust briefly filling the air. She lunges forward. A piece of the railing suspended to her right hand by the leather strap. He barely has time to scream before she whips her arm across, smacking him in the face with the railing piece.

Ros' hand close around the King's neck as she pushes him against the closed door. Joffrey flails, but it is no use. His face begins to turn purple as the pressure around his neck increases amid wordless curses.

With a roar, Ros crushes Joffrey's neck harder than ever. She abruptly hears a loud snapping sound; she has broken the boy's neck with her bare hands. Ros takes a few steps back, allowing Joffrey to sink to the ground with his head turned at an odd angle.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21: The Bear and the Maiden Fair

King Joffrey stares at the back of his grandfather, Lord Tywin, who is beginning to walk away from the Iron Throne and out of the room. How dare the old man treat him like a child? How dare he withhold information from him, and how dare he disregard the threat posed by the Targaryen dragons! Unable to control his rage, the boy King jumps off the Iron Throne and rushes at Tywin, whose figure is illuminated by the flaming braziers of the room.

Tywin briefly freezes as he hears the piercing yell behind and feels something grab at his back. Memories of his time on the battlefield and his combat techniques fill his mind. The elderly Lord instinctively spins around to grab his assailant and throw him aside.

Joffrey lands in the brazier, screaming as his clothes and hair catch on fire. Tywin hurriedly kicks the brazier over, allowing the ignited King to fall out, still screaming at the top of his lungs.

Medical care proved insufficient to treat the boy's burn wounds once they became infected, and he died a slow death on the same day Tywin Lannister was beheaded as a Kingslayer.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Second Sons

Tyrion slams his dagger into the table before him, enraged beyond all belief at King Joffrey's idea of forcing Sansa into a bedding ceremony. Tyrion's frighteningly furious face is illuminated by one of the many candles placed on the table. As his nephew turns to face him, Tyrion growls, "Then you'll be f*cking your own bride... with a wooden cock!" It only takes a second for Joffrey's level of fury to match that of his uncle.

With a roar, Joffrey lunges over the table and crashes into him. Both fall to the floor, and the court stares as the Master of Coin and King of the Seven Kingdoms wrestle for possession of the dagger. They appear to be equally matched; Tyrion's short body is offset by his wiliness, and the inexperienced Joffrey has an advantage in strength.

Finally, a man in the crowd rushes forward. He waits for a few seconds before reaching out with a gloved hand and yanking the dagger away. Overcome by his desire to kill his uncle, Joffrey jumps at the man and tackles him to the floor to get the dagger.

Joffrey grabs at the man's hand, but in the struggle the dagger is thrust into the boy King's throat. He gurgles as he slowly stands up. The crowd gasps upon seeing the blood gushing out of their King's throat.

Joffrey yanks the dagger out of his neck, but this causes even more blood to flow from his neck. He tries to scream for help, but can only manage to gurgle. His body suddenly feels so very weak, and he falls upon the table.

He lands face first upon one of the burning candles, and he lets out another gurgle in response to the searing pain. In a few moments, Joffrey's corpse slides off the table.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23: Mhysa

"I'M NOT TIRED!" King Joffrey continues to shout and petulantly whimper as he is led to his chambers by his mother, Cersei. The Lannister woman does not even bother responding to her son's continued outburst. She considers him lucky to have defied the likes of Tywin and get off with nothing more than an early bedtime.

The two eventually reach the room, and Joffrey is dragged over to a nearby table by Cersei. The latter takes a glass on the table along with a tankard full of wine. After pouring the alcohol for her son, she turns to Joffrey and says, "Maester Pycelle will be here shortly with the Essence of Nightshade. A wine containing a little of it will help you sleep."

Joffrey angrily folds his arms. "A King doesn't need help in sleeping! No, a King can be awake for as long as he likes!" A…" The boy is cut off by the sound of the elderly Pycelle opening the door.

Joffrey storms over to the Maester and snatches the small bottle from his withered hand. Storming back over to his mother and the table, Joffrey uncorks the bottle and dumps the entire supply of Essence of Nightshade into the glass of wine.

The instructions on the substance race through Cersei's mind. A single drop will calm nerves, three drops induce a deep sleep, and ten drops will guarantee instant death. She moves towards Joffrey with her arm extended, but her irate son smacks her across the face. As Cersei falls to the ground, Joffrey finishes the entire glass in one great gulp.

Joffrey is utterly still for a moment. His eyes suddenly become bloodshot as his mouth drops open. He utters a single, low cry before collapsing to the floor. Pycelle does not even need to approach the prone body to know that his King is dead.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: Two Swords

King Joffrey smirks as he looks at his "uncle," Ser Jaime Lannister of the Kingsguard. The boy can see that the forty-year-old cripple is visibly rattled at his abysmal number of deeds. The Book of Brothers has clearly shown the sad truth.

Even so, Joffrey feels an irresistible urge to twist the knife. With a smile, he walks forward until he is only a few inches away from Jaime. Ser Meryn Trant is still right behind him. Joffrey extends his right arm, and Jaime begins to raise his left hand. The boy King's smile becomes a smirk as he says, "Now, now, Uncle. You know a right hand is proper. And I've never gotten an opportunity to fondle solid gold, you know." Meryn cannot help but snicker

Trying very hard not to wince, Jaime allows his "nephew" to grasp his golden prosthetic. The King gives a very slow shake before tugging tightly. He lets out a sudden yelp as he stumbles back a few steps before landing on his arse, golden hand still in his grasp. He has pulled too hard.

Meryn rushes to the side of the King, only for the latter to snarl and push him away as he gets up. Glaring directly at Jaime and dropping the golden hand, Joffrey roars, "I'll teach you to knock me over!" He yanks the sword from Meryn's sheath and charges. Jaime picks up the Book of Brothers and holds it out. Surely Joffrey would not harm such a valuable book, right?

Joffrey thrusts the sword forward, and the sword pierces right through the Book and half out the back. Shaken but undeterred, Jaime yanks the Book to the side. Even his left arm is strong enough to yank the sword from Joffrey's grasp. The knight lays the sword vertically across the edge of the nearby table, and Joffrey charges at him empty-handed.

Jaime simply dodges, causing Joffrey to collide with the wall behind him. He knows better than to strike a King again. The knight manages to dodge Joffrey's next attack, hoping that Meryn will interfere. Joffrey, however, has forgotten in his rage that the sword he had put through the Book of Brothers is placed against the edge of the table, point up.

Jaime and Meryn can only watch as Joffrey stumbles and trips before impaling himself on the sword. The King wiggles for a moment, gasping as blood runs out of his mouth. Then he falls to the floor like a stone, the sword still stuck inside him.

(Author's Notes: The Purple Wedding fast approaches…)


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25: The Lion and the Rose

"Serve me my wine," King Joffrey gives the command as he stands with his bride, smug and with a plate of cake still in his hands. Tyrion spares a look at Sansa before he goes to the table next to his nephew, struggling to contain the rage at his humiliation. He takes the cup in front of Lady Olenna Tyrell, not noticing the slight twinkle in her eye.

He begins to walk back to Joffrey, but before he can hand over the cup, a flash of light blinds everyone in the immediate area. It does not take long for the flash to dissipate, and everyone receives a shocked view at a giant metal cylinder that has landed in the central spot of the wedding feast grounds. Tyrion has dropped the cup, and the wine has spilled around his feet.

A door opens, and a strange can be seen inside the cylinder. Standing about five feet tall, he is wearing a nicely-fitting black trenchcoat and a pink-and-blue tophat, upon which is the inscription "Exterminator." In his right hand he is holding a blue globe, which he tosses at the ground outside. It shatters upon contact, and everything turns black and white, except for the man and the cylinder. There is stillness; time itself has stopped.

The man steps out of the cylinder, looking directly at Joffrey with hateful eyes. Before he goes over to him, he takes off his tophat and stares at it for a moment. Deciding that it is not epic enough for this occasion, he tosses it away before pulling a Batman mask out of one of his large coat pockets.

After the black mask has been snugly fit around his head, the man walks forward. He grabs Joffrey and drags him by the ear until they are both inside the cylinder. The single room is drab and small, only ten paces in diameter. Joffrey begins to thaw inside the cylinder as the man locks the door.

Once Joffrey has been fully revived, he stares in bewilderment at the room and the man in the black mask, his mouth hanging open. The man, for his part, just glares at the smarmy bastard King; at his stupid yellow clothes, at the underserved Valyrian sword, Widow's Wail, hanging at his hip, at his impudent crown, at his idiotic face.

"Who are you?!" Joffrey finally speaks up as he stares at the man. "What's going on?! Where am I?" The man answers in a low, gravelly voice, "You have the undeserved privilege of standing inside my precious Interdimensional Ripping Sphere Mark II. And the wine you were going to drink was poisoned." Joffrey's face becomes red with rage. "Wha…"

"But I think that poison is too good for you." The man interrupts. "And as for my name.." His facial expression becomes even more dark and determined. "I am Ser Dickslayer. And you shall meet your doom!"

Ser Dickslayer throws a punch, and his fist simultaneously knocks out all of Joffrey's teeth and breaks his jaw. As Joffrey holds his ruined face, Ser Dickslayer says, "That was for Tyrion Lannister." He kicks Joffrey's right leg, breaking it instantly. As Joffrey falls to the ground shrieking, he says, "That was for Sansa Stark." He proceeds to stomp on Joffrey's left foot, shattering it. "That was for Arya Stark."

In pain, Joffrey raises his right arm, and Ser Dickslayer kicks that as well. The arm breaks at the elbow, and Ser Dickslayer says, "That was for Ros." He leisurely walks to the other side of Joffrey, who is currently in so much pain that he cannot even scream. Ser Dickslayer grabs the left arm of Joffrey with both hands before twisting it firmly. The arm breaks at the shoulder, and he says, "That was for Daisy."

Ser Dickslayer moves until he stands between Joffrey's ruined legs. He stomps his right foot down, crushing Joffrey's crotch to a paste. "That was for Ser Dontos Hollard." Ser Dickslayer kneels as he withdraws Widow's Wail from Joffrey's sheath. He takes a moment to admire the fine sword before saying, "I hate that this has only been used to cut a book and a pie. Maybe I can give it worth." He switches to a reverse grip as he stands above Joffrey, taking a moment to stare into the King's terrified eyes. He thrusts the sword down, piercing Joffrey's right lung.

"That was for Talisa Stark."

He pierces Joffrey's left lung.

"That was for Catelyn Stark."

He pierces Joffrey's heart.

"That was for Robb Stark and Grey Wind."

Finally, Ser Dickslayer performs a mighty swing with Widow's Wail, slicing Joffrey's head clean off. "And that," Ser Dickslayer declares, "Was for Lord Eddard Stark." The man suddenly takes a few more maddened swings at Joffrey's corpse, reducing it pieces in seconds. It is just like Pycelle had said; nothing cuts like Valyrian steel.

"All those cuts," Ser Dickslayer says as he drops Widow's Wail and pulls his Batman mask off, "Were for all the people who I do not quite know or remember but you brought untold pain and suffering to." He spits upon the pieces of King Joffrey Baratheon as a final insult.

(Author's Notes: One more chapter left...the epilogue!)


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26: Epilogue

Ser Dickslayer looks from side to side. The Interdimensional Ripping Sphere Mark II has brought him to the Great Sept of Baelor correctly. Time has been frozen once again, and is is free to do as he wishes with the body of the dead King. He has guzzled down two bottles in quick succession, and the pressure is growing.

Ser Dickslayer skips over to the platform bearing the body of the hated bastard King. He respectfully removes the Valyrian sword, Widow's Wail, from Joffrey and lays it across the platform vertically. He doesn't need to take the sword; one is enough for him. Standing straight and with hard eyes, he unzips his jeans and pisses upon the corpse of King Joffrey Baratheon.

Zipping his fly and turning around, Ser Dickslayer walks back into the Interdimensional Ripping Sphere Mark II and shuts the door behind him. His partner has entered the room, a short, bespectacled boy wearing a pink ball cap and sporting an unshaved face. He looks down at the pieces of the boy King on the floor and wrinkles his nose at the smell. "You know you're cleaning that up yourself, right?"

Ser Dickslayer nods, and the boy continues, "You let Melisandre drown in my bathtub and you left Ramsay on my living room floor...God, I never thought I'd get the blood out of the rug. What did you _do_ to him, anyway?" Ser Dickslayer chuckles before replying, "Trust me, Black Jellyfish, you do not want me to answer that question. It would give even you nightmares."

Black Jellyfish wearily scratches at his head. "So I guess you got your playtime with Joffrey's body, eh?" Ser Dickslayer looks back at the door before turning back to Black Jellyfish and nodding. "I hated him as much as anyone else. A smug little shit, acting high and mighty and always losing a confrontation. I know you feel the same way."

Black Jellyfish nods. "Yeah. Joffrey was stupid and sadistic and weak...and he was probably one of the best characters in Game of Thrones." A moment of silence. Then Ser Dickslayer blurts out, "What?!"

Black Jellyfish nods. "You never tire of despising Joffrey for his arrogance and cruelty. You always cheer when Tyrion slaps him or when fate brings him down a peg. All over YouTube, you can find videos of people cheering over the simultaneous justice and brutality as he dies, choking on poisoned wine. Joffrey is perhaps the best example of the 'spoiled and sadistic ruler' archetype in our generation. And Jack Gleeson was able to perfectly portray him."

Black Jellyfish sighs, "It's a real shame that Jack has given up on acting. If you can make millions of people cheer for the humiliation and death of one of your characters, and a child character no less, then you are very likely one of the greatest actors in the world."

Ser Dickslayer stands still for a moment before shaking his head and brushing his way past Black Jellyfish. "I'm still bored." he says. "Where is the pair of pliers and blowtorch? I want more 'playtime' with Joffrey."

"In the cabinet under the main control panel," Black Jellyfish says with a shrug. "Have fun."

(Author's Notes: 25 Ways of Killing Joffrey Baratheon has finally come to end! I had so much fun writing this and I cannot believe that I ended up with 21,000+ views for my first fic! I would like to thank you all for your support, reviews, and encouragement during the writing of this story. Enjoy the rest of the summer!)


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